The Scratter

Two kinds of scratters will briefly be described here. Please note however that this study is not extensive, and should be regarded solely as an introduction to the curious beast that is the scratter.

This article will cover some aspects of scratters, namely the generic, or "roaming" scratter, and the house scratter. Whilst these are the only two kinds currently known, there may well be many more to be discovered.

The specimens subject to this study were found in St Andrews, Scotland, above a bottle shop.

0/ Facts

A generic "roaming" scratter

Genus 1: roaming scratter
Binomial name: Euanis Calrquae

Genus 2: house scratter
Binomial name: Gemsis Robinsis

Family: Scratter
Kingdom: mutates animal or vegetable, depending on the hour of day.

History

The first scratter was encountered in Albania, located on the outskirts of Sanctus Andrei, Caledonia. It was discovered hunting on the Smelville mound one night, and was adopted in heart as an adored pet by the residents. It is only since the removal of some indigenous of Smelville to the designated area coded "66" and it's own now distinct and fully developped cry of "scratter" that it earned the name scratter.

The second scratter was identified shortly after, although it hadn't been realized until it started, too, crying "scratter" in its abode, after which the similarities between the two were quite evident.

Both specimens are currently being shipped off to labs in Paris for further study to test their tolerance of high quantities of cheap wine, and to see if they are able to distinguish quality therein.

The Euanis Clarquae is under the supervision of Dr Rubinsky, an expert on this particular species, whilst the Gemsis Robinsis is being cared for by Professor Worth, who has had many past dealings with this particular specimen.

1/ Habitat

A scratter in its preferred habitat

The roaming scratter will commonly migrate from sofa to sofa, generally from its own resting place to that of a well known abode.

It can survive for days in this fashion without shedding its skin, which it does once it returns to its own original resting space.

The house scratter, as name implies, typically resides in one location, namely the house. It is akin to the generic scratter in that it will migrate to the sofa from time to time, but more often this will be its own, as it has a more sedantary nature.

Both kinds of scratter will invariably borrow new skin from other members of their entourage, for indefinite amounts of time, until it is either realized, or the majority assume it is their own.

Scratters are rarely uncomfortable sharing a sofa, and often get along decently with eachother.

2/ Nutrition

A house scratter

Scratters are mostly known to live off bacon and mashed potatoes late at night, but can also be found indulging in more elaborate meals of their own on-the-spot design in the earlier hours of the evening.

They have been known to drink water, so long as it is deep red. This may explain their eagerness on wine and port.

3/ Habits

Some scratters can be hard to find.

Scratters are characterized in both their kinds by their noticeable fondness for cooking and their general liking for sofas.

For scratters, the cooking period is often accompanied by ritual singing, generally songs that are traditional to their epoch, but whose lyrics have been replaced by seemingly random rude words. It is possible for this to be a mating call - this is as yet undocumented.

Once cooking has been accomplished, scratters tend to retire with their spoils to a couch to further indulge in wine and or beer.

Whilst the roaming scratter tends to make best part of the foreign environment in which they are by cooking extensive meals, house scratters are slightly less inclined to this, due probably to their being more accustomed to the environment. The house scratter will typically be messier and tend to burn the mash more often.

4/ The third kind

Might be a scratter of sorts

It would seem that some of the more charcateristic features of a scratter are being found in another species of animal, but the classification is unofficial. Currently, only the first two are formally scratters, and termed thus Scratter Major. Unconfirmed genii are termed Scratter Minor, and their classification is awaiting ratification by the Methylated Academy of Scratterology of House 66 (MASH₆₆)

Genus 3: domesticated scratter
Binomial name: Tomis Hodgis

This domesticated variant is just as inclined towards alcohol and cooking, but a fundamental difference exists: whereas the first two kinds of scratters may show rare signs of mysoginy (it is unknown whether this is a sign of playfulness or of defiance), the third kind will show signs of being of a more cooperative nature with respect to female humans.

This scratter's nutrition will vary from the canonical bacon and mash and migrate more towards the kippers and sautéed potatoes. Another variation is that this one does not sing indecent songs, but writes indecent recipes and reads them out. Unknown whether this is a level of sophistication or erudition in the scratter hierarchy.

It has recently been found that it has elected residence in Albania (Caledonia) but still makes use of the couches it finds, most notably above the bottle shop where it was originally found.

It is also dyslexic and very fond of stinky cheese.

Conclusion

Here ends our brief guide to scratters. As we have seen, they are a very curious lot, but fear not, they are mostly unagressive creatures, with a hippy-type disposition, always ready for banter, singing and eating good food, and it should considered good advice to send temporarily uncheery people into a den of scratters as a remedy.

5/ Ground-breaking discovery

A Scrattis Zeldis

Irrefutably a Scratter, this particular derivative of the species is known more widely under its common name, the "House Tai". Several incongruities with normal Scratters have resulted in this particular Scratter being overlooked as part of the same species, often simply classified as an Asian Frog, but upon a closer investigation we find that it is not so different from the others after all.

The first point we must examine is that of habitat. The Kedzierski Scratter spends even more time on the sofa than any other Scratter recorded, the crucial difference being that as this creature is nocturnal (one might only expect to see an animate House Tai on the sofa after three at night) his presence frequently goes unrecorded.

The second point so crucial in ascertaining Scratterness is the question of eating and drinking. The fact of the matter is that whilst the Kedzierski Scratter rarely cooks, it has a great interest in food, specifically steaks, which form a large proportion of its conversation. In many ways the creature is a scavenger, setting other animals such as the Tomis Hodgis* to create new and exotic dishes for its consumption and enjoyment. As regards drinking whilst it is true to say the Kedzierski Scratter does not drink so much as others of the species, it affects him much more obviously, an interesting side effect being a strong Scottish accent

Various scientific tests have been constructed to test the deductive powers of this particular Scratter, as because the creature is nocturnal, daytime manual tests would not show it to good effect. Our technicians developed a device with colourful buttons that connected to a garish flashing screen in order to assert how long it would be before the Kedzierski Scratter would become bored and give up fiddling with it. We were astounded when the subject completed the "Ocarina of Time" and progressed recently to the "Masterquest" version of Zelda, and have deduced that this indicates a similarity between the House Tai and the magpie; each sharing a fascination with pretty flashing lights.

The Magpie/Zelda Theory

It is crucial that this form of Scratter be further understood, and not overlooked as a one off phemomenon. The Kedzierski Scratter might exhibit certain differences, but the fundamentals of the animal quite clearly indicate that it is a part of the same family.